I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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