quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
