i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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