My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize