At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
