you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
