You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
