can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
