I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
