Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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