I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
