Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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