if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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