Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Can Purell be used as lube?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i think i have herpe
just one?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
