Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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