I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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