Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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