If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
