I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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