I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
