i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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