i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
