someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
