Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize