Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
