Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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