Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize