If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
birth control should be required to get into college
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
