I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
