I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
