I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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