i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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