I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
