I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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