Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
