At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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