My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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