I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
