I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
