Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
