everyone is single if you try hard enough
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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