Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize