I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize