I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
