please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
