I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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