i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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