WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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