she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
