um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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