I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
