He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
