my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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