i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
