happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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