i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
