he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
