Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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