for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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