So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
