Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
