I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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